I don't want to be a stained glass window.

It's been awhile and to be honest I have no idea to explain what has been happening in the past months. However, I am going through a lot currently and I can only explain through these songs:

Ne-Yo "Let me Love You" I heard this song on a ride back to BG from home. I really felt God was singing to me in Ne-Yo's wonderful voice...although, I feel like God's voice would be so much better (is that possible??). I am struggling with self worth. If I trust God enough and let Him just love me, maybe I can learn to love myself and know what I deserve. 

Bruno Mars "Treasure" As soon as that song ended, this song began. I already felt God speaking to me through that song so I also felt him through this song. Despite the retro style, I did learn a lot: No matter what I do, no matter how angry I get at Him, He thinks of me as His treasure. God is good. Luke 12:34 says, "For where your treasure is, there is your heart also." No matter where I go, He's still with me. No matter what I do to try to control that, He is still with me. 

Tenth Avenue North "Healing Begins" I feel so stuck right now. I know that I have walls built up. I know that I need to change and just get past this obstacle of my hurt. But it is SO hard. I don't want to let go, because what would happen if I did... But this song says, if I do, that's when the healing begins. I want that. 

Tenth Avenue North "Worn" Yes, I do like this band. I think they speak to me a lot. But I just feel so worn. My heart is tried of keeping everything in. It's hard living in this world and the hard part is when you don't trust God. He is the only one that can give us true rest and I have been missing out on that for several years. BUT this song has a lot of hope in this. And this hope is in the chorus: 

"Let me see redemption win Let me know the struggle ends That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn I want to know a song can rise From the ashes of a broken life And all that's dead inside can be reborn Cause I'm worn"

This is the hope that I am leaning in. I know God can mend this heart, I just need to let Him. Let Him love me, hold me, help me, be my rest, and just give me hope.

I know through these songs I was fairly vague with what is going on. I am working through it and haven't quite figured out everything. However, I realize that I have been not being as genuine as I always thought I was. I have been holding a lot of things in, and the walls that I have built up have been awesome with helping me with this facade. However, I don't want to be a stained glass window, I want you to see me and be as transparent as possible. Someday I will get there.

 I hope you feel encouraged by these songs. I know some of them aren't written for the purpose that I took them, but God spoke through them, and sometimes those are the best of songs.