I don't want to be a stained glass window.

It's been awhile and to be honest I have no idea to explain what has been happening in the past months. However, I am going through a lot currently and I can only explain through these songs:

Ne-Yo "Let me Love You" I heard this song on a ride back to BG from home. I really felt God was singing to me in Ne-Yo's wonderful voice...although, I feel like God's voice would be so much better (is that possible??). I am struggling with self worth. If I trust God enough and let Him just love me, maybe I can learn to love myself and know what I deserve. 

Bruno Mars "Treasure" As soon as that song ended, this song began. I already felt God speaking to me through that song so I also felt him through this song. Despite the retro style, I did learn a lot: No matter what I do, no matter how angry I get at Him, He thinks of me as His treasure. God is good. Luke 12:34 says, "For where your treasure is, there is your heart also." No matter where I go, He's still with me. No matter what I do to try to control that, He is still with me. 

Tenth Avenue North "Healing Begins" I feel so stuck right now. I know that I have walls built up. I know that I need to change and just get past this obstacle of my hurt. But it is SO hard. I don't want to let go, because what would happen if I did... But this song says, if I do, that's when the healing begins. I want that. 

Tenth Avenue North "Worn" Yes, I do like this band. I think they speak to me a lot. But I just feel so worn. My heart is tried of keeping everything in. It's hard living in this world and the hard part is when you don't trust God. He is the only one that can give us true rest and I have been missing out on that for several years. BUT this song has a lot of hope in this. And this hope is in the chorus: 

"Let me see redemption win Let me know the struggle ends That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn I want to know a song can rise From the ashes of a broken life And all that's dead inside can be reborn Cause I'm worn"

This is the hope that I am leaning in. I know God can mend this heart, I just need to let Him. Let Him love me, hold me, help me, be my rest, and just give me hope.

I know through these songs I was fairly vague with what is going on. I am working through it and haven't quite figured out everything. However, I realize that I have been not being as genuine as I always thought I was. I have been holding a lot of things in, and the walls that I have built up have been awesome with helping me with this facade. However, I don't want to be a stained glass window, I want you to see me and be as transparent as possible. Someday I will get there.

 I hope you feel encouraged by these songs. I know some of them aren't written for the purpose that I took them, but God spoke through them, and sometimes those are the best of songs. 

My worth is in my creator. Not in this world.

Last weekend was Women's Weekend. Probably one of my favorite weekends because I love seeing women strive to love the Lord! We had 300 women, maybe more, wanting to worship, praise, honor, and give glory to ONE GOD. How cool is that?! It was a beautiful site to see.

We talked a lot about our worth and because we have Jesus, what he frees us from ("For freedom in Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery"-Galatians 5:1).The speaker, Tammy Smith (who is amazing! Check her out, here!) said there are four things (among many) that we are free from: comparison, condemnation, others approval and opinions, and insecurity.

One of those really stood out to me. I realized that I take others approval and opinions and make them my own opinion about myself. This is something that is very dangerous to do, but it is something that I struggled with all of my life.

When I was in fourth grade a girl began to bully me. She would turn all my friends against me and would talk about me behind my back. She didn't just stop there. My mom worked at my school as an aide for outside. She helped with recess and watching over the kids. This girl sent a petition around my class to try and get her fired. I remember crying and running to my mom and then going to guidance counselor to talk about being bullied. I thought it would end in fourth grade. But in high school it started again when we were sophomores. Again, she turned all my friends on the volleyball team against me. I remember feeling like I was a nothing, she made me feel like I had no worth because of what she told me I was. I let her words effect me for so long.

Another instance when I let words from someone else tell me who I was is when I was in my first year of college and I dated a guy who sexually and emotionally abused me. I remember him calling me stupid, retarded, fat, and the list goes on. I thought that was who I was.

I thought I was over this, but then I realized I had done it again. Just recently this semester, someone said I was too serious and that I was dramatic. Even though I knew that if he thought that about me, he didn't really know me and never took the time to get to know me. But I still took it serious, so much so that I would try to be super funny with my friends. I tried to be less serious and more funny. I thought that was what society wanted. Then someone else, who was very close to me, said that I was way too passionate about Christ and that it wasn't normal to be that way. Can you believe that I didn't hear satan loud and clear?? But then I remember this:

I love Jesus, and if you're not taking it serious, then maybe you should rethink YOUR life. 

So. What do I say about all of this? 

Maybe I am a little dramatic, maybe I like to have serious conversations, maybe I love Jesus too much (is that such a thing??), maybe I mess up in life. But NO ONE has the right to tell me who I am. I am a daughter of Christ, my Savior and King. HE made me, not you. He gave me all the qualities that I have for a reason. I am loved by Him and you are too. If you someone has said something about you and you're letting it become who you are, DON'T LET IT! Instead, check out what Jesus says about you: 

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by words, so that no once can boast. FOR WE ARE GOD'S HANDIWORK, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." -Ephesians 2:8-10

"For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made; your works are WONDERFUL, I know that full well." -Psalm 139:13-14

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. FOR HE CHOSE US IN HIM before creation for the world to be hold and blameless in his sight. In love he PREDESTINED US TO BE ADOPTED as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his PLEASURE and will--to the praise of this glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves." Ephesians 1:3-6

He delights over you...He loves you with an unimaginable love. Don't let others tell you who you are, because they weren't your creator. He was. 

P.S. Check out this really awesome video about bullying. It's pretty legit. 

NOTE: If it was you that made these comments about me, thank you for saying them so that I can learn these lessons. Don't feel bad, or feel like you did anything wrong. You were only making observations and I forgive you :)

I just need Your peace

It's been a while since I've blogged. But God has been doing SO much in my life that I thought I needed to take time to glorify Him by writing it down.

I am usually a person that can take a lot of stress and be able to handle it. I am usually very flexible and when there is a problem, I can just breathe and know that God is handling it. However, something unusual happened this school year. I had 3 anxiety attacks. I had my first one in my life during midterms last semester. And then another one during finals last semester. And then again during "Syllabus Week" this semester. I knew it wasn't good that I was getting so much anxiety from school but I didn't realize that it was a problem until my supervisor said, "Do you think that you need medical attention for this anxiety that your feeling?" I was shocked. I didn't realize this was a HUGE problem.

In college, there are SO many things going on. There are

 exams

 homework

 quizzes

 papers

friends

 parties 

romantic relationships

 heartbreak

 conflict

 roommates

family

organizations

spiritual life

ETC. 

No wonder college students tend to feel so anxious!! But here's the thing. This is what I learned though having 3 anxiety attacks: I CAN'T DO THIS ON MY OWN. I need a bigger power, a bigger thing in my life to take all my problems and put my HOPE and TRUST in. Some college students will turn to 

men/women

drugs

alcohol

caffine

parties

acceptance from others

sex

school/good grades

ETC. 

I realized that I wanted to succeed so much, that I was depending on myself to get the good grades, to have a perfect social life, to have a PERFECT life...but this perfect life was causing me anxiety and causing me to not enjoy life. So, what should you put hope in for all these things? Who would be the "trusty stead" to lead you? 

GOD

I was controlling my life when God wanted to take reigns on my life. I began looking at all of my situations where I was the one controlling everything: my family, my grades, my success in school, my friends, my ministry, my "romantic" relationships. I thought that by controlling those situations, I would have them succeed. However, I was just starving myself. Doing it on my own was keeping me from the only thing that could help me with everything that was hurting me. 

 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the holy spirit." - Romans 15:13

When we trust in God to help us through everything, and have hope in Him that He is going to take care of all our worries, He will fill us with this hope and peace. This is what I am now focusing on in my day to day life, HIM so that He can provide me with peace and I can rely on Him completely for everything in my life. 

One thing that has helped me through this sturggle of anxiety this semester is admitting to my close friends all of my anxious thoughts and calling them at 2 in the morning crying. Being able to rely on people that are Godly women to encourage me, and help me through these things has helped termendous! Just being open to them about my flaws has been SO helpful. But also starting my day off right by being in the Word. In a week period, I had 4 friends tell me about this devotional book. Then to encourage me, two of my best friends sent me the SAME devotional from the SAME book. To me, God was saying loud and clear, "find peace in me and spend time with me through this devotional book" so I bought it: Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. (I urge you, if you're having this problem, click on the title of the book above. It will take you to Amazon, where you can purchase it. I highly suggest it!) I have felt so much joy and peace this week due to changing my perspective. I can't do this world on my own, I need my Jesus :)